Erase the big, red X you put on the "Archbishop of Kraków Stanislaw Dziwisz With Baby Animals" calendar your father-in-law gave you, because the IRS have given Usury-Rate same-day loan factory H&R Block three extra days to sh-t the bed.
"Because of Emancipation Day, a holiday nobody at H&R Block has ever celebrated, the last day to file taxes this year will be Monday, April 18th," said Internal Revenue Service Deputy Commissioner Mark Ernst, the former H&R Block CEO who got the f--k out of Dodge after he caused more than $1 billion in losses tied to subprime mortgages. "I personally don't give half-a-sh-t, because I'm sure I'll be working elsewhere by then."
"Yay! Yippie!" exclaimed Alan Bennett, H&R Block's CEO-du-Jour. "That means we have three extra days to lose clients because we don't have any Refund Anticipation Loans to sell. Wait, that's a bad thing. Ah, sh-t."
Emancipation Day falls on Sat., April 16, but it is observed in D.C. on Fri., April 15. That prompted the IRS to extend the tax filing deadline to April 18 this year. Under the tax code, filing deadlines can't fall on Saturdays, Sundays or holidays.
"But don't expect an extension to make up for our yearly processing delay," said Ernst. "That was because Congress waiting until the last f--king second to pass new tax laws. Thus, 50 million taxpayers who itemize their taxes on a Schedule A form can't file until February."
"It's a very small percentage of folks who will be affected," said Ernst. "There's no real reason why they would need time beyond April 18 because these are the people --like poor people and the coloreds-- who want to file early anyway, and who may not be able to file early due to events the IRS couldn't really have done anything about. Wwaaaaaah! Poor us!"
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