H&R Block Loses Exclusive Contract With Wal*Mart To Jackson Hewitt: "Hey, we still have Sears. There's still some of them open, right?"

H&R Block Loses Exclusive Contract With Wal*Mart To Jackson Hewitt: "Hey, we still have Sears. There's still some of them open, right?"

H&R Block, the tax preparation company who has taken it in the proverbial rear this tax season --after losing refund anticipation loans, their sole source of income-- they now find out that Jackson Hewitt will be the exclusive provider of tax services to Wal*Mart.

"Those Wal*Mart customers, they are our clients," said H&R Block CEO Alan Bennett, whose resume on The Ladders has received tens of views in the last six months. "The down-trodden are the people most likely to fall for one of our predatory-lending-rated Refund Anticipation Loans... if I didn't screw up and lose the financing for them."

"WHOOO HOOOO!" screamed Jackson Hewitt's new CEO Philip H. Sanford, who replaced former Jackson Hewitt (and former H&R Block) CEO Harry W. Buckley in January, during a teleconference with investors. "We have exclusive rights to Wal*Mart and we're the only refund anticipation loan game in town, and this is why I am currently doing the backstroke through a big f--king pile of money! YAYYYY!"

"While this is a significant setback," said Bennett, while packing all the sh-t in his office in banker's boxes, "Hey, we still have exclusive rights to sling taxes at Sears."

"There's still some of them open, right?"

H&R Block Sh-ts The Bed Early This Year With 'Emerald Advance', Now With 36% More Predatory Lending Fees!

H&R Block is not satisfied with merely waiting until January 2, 2011 to fail at tax season: This year it begins now, with H&R Block Emerald Advance.

"Emerald Advance is fun and easy," said a spokesman, who was difficult to hear, what with the angry mob of Block shareholders yelling 'Give us Barabbas'. "Plus, we get to sell you two overpriced, predatory loans in one year. Yay, overpriced, predatory loans."

"You could get up to $1,000 with the Emerald Advance line of credit," said Sabrina Wiewel, who will be blamed for Block's preordained failure, at the end of tax season. "Use it for emergencies, car repairs, bills and to pay off the refund anticipation loan we'll trick you into buying when we do your taxes! Lucky you!!"

"What they fail to tell you is that the Emerald Advance is a loan, borrowed against your anticipated tax refund. It's your f--king money," says Tom Bloch, son of Block co-founder R. "Run, do not walk, to your nearest local office supply store and buy Turbotax. It's much better."

"No, don't listen to him," said Bennett in reply. "Give us your money. Our tax returns may be less accurate, but they sure are more expensive! Wait, that's... that's not good, right?"

H&R Block stock prices were flat at $0.00000000024 in late trading today.

Blogs Filled With Stories Of 70%+ Credit Denial Rates For H&R Block Emerald Advance.

For three consecutive years, H&R Block has filled the destitute and credit-retarded that they will have a merry Christmas via their Emerald Advance loans, only to dash said hope with denials in the 70%-90% range.

Fortunately for some, the blogging universe is chock-a-block with said stories, warning many to stay away from this scammish credit product and its usury-level interest rate.

"Just a little FYI to let you know how bad it really is out there," said 'Anonymous Coward' on a holiday loans blog. "The lady that did our application said she was hating her job cause hardly anyone is getting approved and folks are getting PO'ed when they don't get their money."

"Why the hell would you get a loan from these a--holes to pay for Jesus's birthday," says 'BlockistheDevil'. "Do you really think Jesus would want you to do this?"

"We admit that we are having some problems getting people approved for Emerald Advance early this season," said H&R Block CEO Alan Bennett, who was filing his unemployment claim online while being interviewed. "But everyone who comes in is a f--king deadbeat."

"It is not like we are tricking people," he continued. "We simply promise them a loan for Christmas, get them to come in and 'Jump Start' their tax return, and then deny their loan application."

"Then, we hold their tax documents hostage so that they have to come back to us to get their return done. What could possibly be unethical about... Wait."

H&R Block Shares Plummet After One-Day Gain: The Dead Cat Has Bounced. And Landed Again.

For a (very) short while, following H&R Block's "Everything is rosy" quarterly earnings report last week, H&R Block's stock actually shot up near its 52-week high.
Thespoof Welcomes H&R Block Back To Our Family Of Advertisers!
Read more about their Emerald Advance in Emerald Advance For Christmas? Jesus Wants You To! and H&R Block Emerald Advance: Predatory? No. Delicious? Yes!
Reversal of fortune, or dead cat bounce? We pick the latter.

H&R Block (NASD HRB: 0.000000024) is frought with issues:

1. The tax return juggernaut prepared fewer returns last year, losing out on a fantastic opportunity to grab away early-season filers abandoned national competitors because their refund anticipation loan supplier bailed out, and Block still couldn't gain market share.

2. Block also continues to take it in the pooper --sideways-- from a mortgage business it entered with head-up-ass, and exited with tail between legs.

3. Block's in-house law firm, Swindle and Shyster, has been plenty busy defending lawsuits over various business practices some have called unsavory.

4. Oh, and Russ Smythe, the CEO brought in to turn the mess around in 2007 decided he'd had enough and got the f--k out of Dodge. And why would someone quit being the CEO of a multi-billion dollar international corporation to work at 'The Havi Group'? Because the multi-billion dollar international corporation is H&R F--king Block.

"I laugh at people who point to HRB's 1.22% growth in the past week as an indicator of a trend-reversal," said thespoof.com's Senior H&R Block analyst Anthony Rosania. "That same stock is down 15.89% since May, 2010, and over 40% year-to-date."

"$1000 invested in HRB stock on January 3, 2010 is now worth $592.62," he continued. "If you want to piss away $408 and have nothing to show for it, you should pay for my ex-wife's Nutri-System food for a month."

H&R Block Pulls Ads From MTV's Skins, Defamationstation.com.

Financially neutered tax preparation company H&R Block -- the company who has been sued by the Attorneys General of 41 states over various consumer protection issues-- has pulled their advertising from MTV's kiddie-porn show "Skins", just weeks after pulling advertising from the world's leading satire site, Defamationstation.com

"H&R Block has a moral obligation to not advertise our tax preparation and financial products on a show that shows teen boobies," said H&R Block CEO Alan Bennett.

'Skins, which is an adaptation of the British show "Steptoe and Son," is really a very simple and, in fact rather old-fashioned television series about intense teen issues, such a unrequited love, concerns about college admission, and being able to perform analingus while using i.v. drugs and taking the Lord's name in vain, just so the "cool kids" like you.

Block also pulled its advertising from Defamationstation.com, once executives typed "H&R Block" into the story search feature.

"We were very excited to see so many Defamationstation.com articles about us," said H&R Block Chief Marketing Manager Turtle Little-John. "Then we began reading them." *

Nevertheless, H&R Block's double-standards are not lost on everyone.

"H&R Block pulled their advertising? H&R Block?" asked MTV President Martha Quinn. "The company who f--ked up their own federal and state taxes four years in a row? They're taking the moral high road?"

"Look, I know that the next Wall Street Journal headline about me will read 'Former CEO To Receive Lump Sum Severance Payment After Disappointing Tax Season,'" Bennett continued. "But I have to demonstrate some evidence of an internal ethical barometer. I'll need a new job in May."

H&R Block: Like Demolishing a Building With A Big Stuffed Bunny.

H&R Block is in panic mode, entering what it calls First Peak --the flurry of business set in motion by the arrival of W-2s for those tax clients who usually plan to pay Febuary's child support with their tax refund-- without the ability to offer refund anticipation loans, a key component to getting lower-middle class asses in seats across from a tax professional.

In response, they've wasted tons of cash on a recently-launched marketing campaign, targeting taxpayers who will almost certainly use Jackson Hewitt or Liberty Tax that they can get their return done for free:
"Come into H&R Block, sit with one of our well-trained octogenarian tax professionals, get your simple tax return done, and don't pay us a cent. Plus, we have yummy coffee. And bathrooms. Crayons for the kiddies, and mostly free parking!!!"


The Devil is in the fine print, however:

"You qualify for the free return if your filing status is Single or Married Filing Jointly, you have no dependents/children, you don't itemize, you have no mortgage payment, you have taxable income of less than $40,000, you can identify the first assistant conductor of The State Symphony Orchestra of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, your last name contains an umlaut, your phone number ends with an even number, you have a ticket stub from the Bahawal Stadium, a cricket ground in Bahawalpur, Punjab, Pakistan, and you are older than your tax professional (HA!). If not, H&R Block's incredibly expensive schedule of standard rates apply."

Now, H&R Block has followed up their bullsh-t "Free 1040 Scam" with a television commercial that involves gritty, handicam-filed, gonzo-style imagery, a group of real people, and construction workers trying to knock down a building with a big, pink, fluffy stuffed bunny.

"This is what it's like to get your tax return done at H&R Block," the voice-over booms as the fluffy bunny smacks into the wall.

"That's what I feel like when I ask my Tax Professional for a price quote before sitting through an entire tax interview," says one onlooker.

(Bunny smacks against the wall.)

"I know. I called to ask about Refund anticipation loans, and my tax professional said that they are evil and will give me cancer," responds another.

(Bunny Smack.)

"Mine told me that getting my return done at Jackson Hewitt was a felony."

(Smack.)

H&R Block's 11,000 offices, most of them in gritty strip malls next to check cashing businesses and beer distributors, will be open until April 18th, when they will be shuttered and unused until the process begins anew in 2012, under the name "H&R Block: Powered By Turbotax".

H&R Block Sues HSBC: We Can't Overcharge Our Clients For RALs Without Their Help.

In an unprecedented move, HSBC Bank USA has decided to back out of providing funding for Refund Anticipation Loans (RAL) for the upcoming season, leaving perennial f---k-ups H&R Block with their proverbial d--ks in their hands.

"How the hell are we going to fleece our customers for ridiculously expensive refund loans if HSBC isn't going to fund them?" asked H&R Block, in court papers filed today. "I mean, we have our own bank and all, but we ain't loaning our money to these f--king deadbeats."

HSBC, who famously f--ked over Jackson Hewitt (JH) Tax Service by pulling out of their deal, has two novel legal theories upon which they hang their greedy, scummy, contract-breaking hat.

"They could say that H&R Block has materially breached the contract, making the entire contract unenforceable," said amazingly supergifted legal analyst Anthony Rosania."But that is why contracts are broken up into different sections. Even if one part is unenforceable, the rest of the contract remains intact.

"With so many states outlawing refund loans," Rosania continued."They can argue that the contract contrary to public policy, and therefore unenforceable."

"My gut feeling, however, is that HSBC has weighed the cost of litigating against Block, versus honoring the contract, and losing their shirts in bad debt," Rosania concluded.

Block filed a lawsuit recently that alleges HSBC has failed to honor its contract to back the loans, which expires next year. The suit says HSBC has not taken the necessary planning steps to ensure that H&R Block will be able to offer refund anticipation loans and refund anticipation checks during the 2011 tax season.

"Oh my God, we are f--ked," said CEU Du Jour Alan Bennett, while packing the contents of his office into boxes. "This'll never get litigated in time for tax season."

"On the other hand, it would give us the perfect outsider scapegoat for why we tanked this tax season," said Bennett, already resigned to the fact that tax season 2011 is a sh-tburger waiting to get grilled. "Usually, when we have a bad tax season we apologize to our stock holders, blame the field leadership for droppng the ball, and then give Sabrina Weiwel a new job title."

In the lawsuit, H&R Block said they fleece about 40 percent of its customers with a bank product during the 2010 tax season.

They also state that HSBC is trying to back out of funding its refund anticipation products because without help from the IRS, the bank fears it will lose money.

"No sh-t, Sherlock," responded HSBC. "That is what successful companies do, they avoid endeavors that will make them lose money. You f--kers ought to give that a try."

Block's other concern is the ability for RAL seeking clients who can't be helped by Block will simply walk down the street and get a RAL at Dave's Deli and Tax Preparation Service.

"Last year, Jackson Hewitt had almost no funding for their early season RAL clients, and those clients left JH in droves," said Bennett. "And just where did those clients who left Jackson Hewitt end up going?"

"No, seriously," concluded Bennett. "I'm asking you: Where did they go? They didn't come to Block, that's for damned sure."

H&R Block: Never Settle For Less, Unless You Want A RAL. Because We Ain't Got 'Em.

Multi-billion dollar clusterf--k H&R Block has found that their business partners are more than willing to help them find new and better ways to f--k their customers over: This year, it's HSBC, who's yanked the rug out from under Block's loyal employees by discontinuing their Refund Anticipation Loan product.

"Millions of H&R Block Inc. customers who relied on short-term loans backed by their anticipated tax refunds will not have that option this year," said Block Chairman Dick Breeden's bitch-monkey, CEO Alan Bennett, while dictating an inter-office memo entitled 'Need Ideas: Which window should I fling myself out of on April 15th? PS, no bonuses again this year. Also, our yearly convention will be held at Benigans. Bring cash.' "HSBC has f--ked us royally, and Block will lose millions of dollars in revenue, because a large percentage of our deadbeat customers use refund anticipation loans. I'm still a multi-millionaire, though. Yay, me."

RALs, typically used by poor saps who believe that their tax preparation company cares more about their financial health than the company's profit margin, are high-interest, short-term loans backed by an expected federal income tax refund.

It's the final coffin nail for Block, which one analyst said could lose up to 70 percent of its early season customers to competitors still offering the loans.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-K!!!," yelled Chairman Breeden, who invested millions of his own money when he bought his seat on the Board of Directors. "My hot wife will leave me if I'm broke!"

Shares are down 90 f--king cents, or 17 percent, to $9.79 in midday trading, their lowest stock price ever.

H&R Block Given Three Extra Days To Sh-t The Bed.

Erase the big, red X you put on the "Archbishop of Kraków Stanislaw Dziwisz With Baby Animals" calendar your father-in-law gave you, because the IRS have given Usury-Rate same-day loan factory H&R Block three extra days to sh-t the bed.

"Because of Emancipation Day, a holiday nobody at H&R Block has ever celebrated, the last day to file taxes this year will be Monday, April 18th," said Internal Revenue Service Deputy Commissioner Mark Ernst, the former H&R Block CEO who got the f--k out of Dodge after he caused more than $1 billion in losses tied to subprime mortgages. "I personally don't give half-a-sh-t, because I'm sure I'll be working elsewhere by then."

"Yay! Yippie!" exclaimed Alan Bennett, H&R Block's CEO-du-Jour. "That means we have three extra days to lose clients because we don't have any Refund Anticipation Loans to sell. Wait, that's a bad thing. Ah, sh-t."

Emancipation Day falls on Sat., April 16, but it is observed in D.C. on Fri., April 15. That prompted the IRS to extend the tax filing deadline to April 18 this year. Under the tax code, filing deadlines can't fall on Saturdays, Sundays or holidays.

"But don't expect an extension to make up for our yearly processing delay," said Ernst. "That was because Congress waiting until the last f--king second to pass new tax laws. Thus, 50 million taxpayers who itemize their taxes on a Schedule A form can't file until February."

"It's a very small percentage of folks who will be affected," said Ernst. "There's no real reason why they would need time beyond April 18 because these are the people --like poor people and the coloreds-- who want to file early anyway, and who may not be able to file early due to events the IRS couldn't really have done anything about. Wwaaaaaah! Poor us!"

Write This on A Rock: H and R Block is Screwed.

Write this on a rock: H&R Block is f--ked.

With the defection of CEO Russ Smyth to a "large company in Chicago" which Smyth refuses to name, Block is on its 257th CEO in 10 years. Field and corporate leadership is now trying out "Configuration Plan ZZ", and still Kansas City's jade-green monolith is hemorrhaging cash at an alarming rate.

Here is the solution.

1.) Pick a team: Company owned or Franchise.

As HRB Chairman Richard Breeden proved when he decimated the field leadership team at Applebee's, he believes that the key to success is to have franchisees run his offices.

This is a double-edged sword: Franchise offices tend to be more profitable than company-owned, because it's their own cash on the line. For the first time ever at the 2009 HRB National Convention, Franchise owners and District Managers for company owned stores met at the same time.

Company-owned leadership was amazed at the mutants that Block allows to own franchises, and franchise owners were shocked to learn that company owned offices actually spend money on infrastructure.

Both groups were shocked to learn that H&R Block is essentially two companies; one supporting franchisees, one supporting company-owned.

But the belt-tightening needed to make franchisees profitable leads to franchise owners not investing in things like paint or toilet paper, negatively impacting brand quality, and client service.

Nevertheless, Breeden so believes in the franchise model that he brought former McDonalds executive Russ Smyth over to be CEO for a week and a half.

No matter which model they choose, having two redundant infrastructures is per se wasteful. One has got to go.

And, trust me, it'll be company-owned that gets the heave-ho.

#2) Get out of the H&R Block Bank business.

According to SEC filings, H&R Block spent over $15 million pursuing a Charter for the H&R Block Bank.

There is one brick-and-mortar H&R Block Bank office, in the lobby of Block's corporate office in Kansas City, Missouri.

One.

H&R Block Bank's charter was a vanity project for former CEO Mark Ernst, pure and simple, meant to keep in-house all of the delicious fees charged for the Emerald Card, the Ernst-developed method of putting an IRS refund on a prepaid debit card.

The Bank also proved fortuitous when Block subsidiary and Option One Mortgage began to hemorrhage like Gary Coleman's brain.

(It should be noted that Option One was bringing in nearly $2 billion dollars a year at one point, while oppressing FICA-impaired homeowners to the level of crimes against humanity. Three years later, Option One couldn't be sold, and was simply dismantled. Interestingly, Ernst directed HRB Bank to buy some of the sh-tbag mortgages from Option One, effectively covering its losses with Retail Tax profits.)

Block Bank positioned itself to fail in two ways:

First, to turn the Emerald Card into a 12-month-a-year bank product. A third of Emerald Card client are otherwise unbanked. The Emerald Card was marketed to be the one-size-fits-all banking solution for them.

"Use it for your tax refund, get your paychecks direct deposited to it, pay your bills online with it, make your laundry April-fresh with it!"

Instead, Emerald Card users drained their tax refund off of the card, threw it in a drawer, then replaced it the following January with the next refund. It didn't help that the Bank charged $2.00 just for a BALANCE INQUIRY, and $5.00 to refill it via the Green Dot network. Also, people like to be able to visit their money, to see the building where it is being held. Unless they lived in downtown K.C., that couldn't happen.

Second, to finance Refund Anticipation Loans. RALs saved Block. RALs - expensive, short-term consumer loan secured by a taxpayer's expected tax refund- were the be-all and end-all of HRB's marketing for years. Consumers loved quicker access to refunds, versus waiting 488 months for the colorful IRS check to come.

And, boy-howdy, can you charge a sh-tload of fees, and usury-level interest rates on 'em!! What better way for a company who touts its morals and ethics to exploit their clients??

Here's how it works:

Block prepares the tax return and electronically files it with the IRS. Within 24 hours of submission, Block receives IRS confirmation that the submission was free of mathematical errors, and that the filer had no liens or delinquent federal student loans. This meant that there was good chance that the IRS would pay the refund within weeks, barring fraudulent income reporting. Block issues a check for the refund, minus the cost of tax preparation, a loan originating fee, and compounded interest.

How much interest? In 1995, the New York Times reported that Block's 39% fee-simple interest, $30 filing fee and $59 loan fee amounted to a 250 percent APR on a refund of $1,000.

Two-hundred-and-fifty-percent interest.

H&R Block was sued every year, from 1994 through 2010, for issues with RALs.

Every. Year.

Fortunately, many states have outlawed RALs. Active military members can't get one, and competitors like Jackson Hewitt can barely find bank financing for their RAL product. More importantly, consumers are getting hip to the scam.

Philosophical question: If H&R Block Bank throws a RAL party, and no clients show up, can they charge a fee?


#3) Either sell Block to Jackson Hewitt, Liberty Tax or Intuit, or acquire one of them.
#3a) Find a Way To Generate Income in Block Offices in the Off-Season As Well.


Forget Jackson Hewitt and Liberty Tax: JH is too cash poor and its business too unstable. They lost a boatload when they lost RAL financing, and probably can't make up for it. Liberty Tax is just too small.

More importantly, most of the people farting into chairs in JH's and Liberty's waiting rooms are former H&R Block clients, going to where the grass is greener. Should Block pay for clients that they will just alienate again?

Intuit is the key here.

In recent years, Intuit's Turbotax software ate Block's lunch, and is now responsible for serving 22 million clients that, 20 years ago, would have had no choice but to be overcharged by Block.

Thus: Turbotax = great software with no retail tax support. H&R Block = sh-t software with a HUGE Retail network behind it.

Now imagine Intuit acquiring Block, rebranding all offices with big orange check marks, calling them "TurboTax Centers," and selling and supporting the software therein.

An added benefit would be using the offices to sell and support Quicken, QuickBooks, and all of Intuit's small business solutions year round.

Currently, from April through December, Block uses their offices to host tax classes and store next year's window signs.

Block has attempted -for years- to find a way to have the need for cash registers in their offices 12 months a year. Everything from subletting to political campaigns to renting out the space for retail storage has been tried, but nothing performed well enough to roll out nationwide.

The "off-season" is where Block has the bandwidth. They've tried adding business services, and audit services, but only spent about 35 cents to support the initiative. Intuit has the products, and one could imagine a scenario where Intuit has Apple-Store-like Genius Bars for small business from May through Christmas, and then shifted to tax preparation when necessary.

----------------------------------------------------

Novel, innovative companies can take over the market, or reshape it, and prove unimaginably profitable.

And many novel, innovative companies have had to change focus to remain profitable. Mitsubishi used to be a coal mining company. American Express was mail carrier in Albany New York. Henry Wells and William Fargo left Amex to start Wells Fargo, a competing mail carrier.

F.W. Woolworth's renamed itself Foot Locker, Inc., when it shifted focus to its most profitable subsidiary.

And novel, innovative companies can become stale, and brittle, and a ridiculous anachronism in the marketplace, without change. Ask those unemployed by the Penn Central Railroad, which was worth $15 billion in 1968. It went bankrupt in 1970.

H&R Block was a novel, innovative idea when it first opened.

So was TWA.
And Commodore Computers.
And Fotomat.
And Bethlehem Steel.
And Polaroid.
And Sharper Image.
And Studebaker.
And Atari.
And Crazy Eddie's.
And RCA.
And pets-, boo-, webvan-, Jennicamlive-, beenz-, sixdegrees-, google answers-, Ogrish-, numedia- and napster-dots-com.
And Lionel Kiddie-City.
And Napster.
And Tower Records.
And...

Without RALs, Today Begins HandR Block's Countdown To Insolvency.

For the 214 people who still use H&R Block to prepare their income tax return, there will be a huge surprise at the interview desk in 2011, and it won't be lower prices: H&R Block can't offer to loan you your own money in anticipation of a tax refund, because Block's banking partner was forced by federal regulators to stop offering the loans.

"Yeah, we got the letter right here," said Michael Geoghegan, HSBC's CEO, quickly pointing to, and then covering up a piece of paper that clearly was part of the comics section from his Sunday paper.

"It says 'Dear HSBC, don't underwrite RALs for H&R Block anymore. Or,... or we'll come and get you. Signed: The Government."

It's a bullet to the brain for Block, the nation's least innovative tax-preparation company, which could lose what's left of their client base to competitors still offering the loans: The company has virtually no time to find a new funding partner before tax season starts.

"F--k, f--k, f--k," said HRB CEO Alan Bennett, running in circles, hands flailing, in the lobby of Block's Kansas City headquarters. "Without RALs, we'll only be able to charge for tax preparation! F--k, f--k, f--k."

Block's "rapid refunds" are high-interest, short-term loans backed by an expected federal income tax refund.

A refund anticipation "check" is an account into which a refund is deposited. This enables taxpayers to have their tax return preparation fees deducted from their refund, rather than paying upfront.

As Block's co-conspirator in the despoiling of its clients, HSBC Bank has been lending low-income clients their own money since 2005, which typically are offered to customers with sh-tty jobs, or whose copy of the RAL application says "Préstamo de Reembolso Anticipado" in the header.

A spokesman for John Walsh, the head of the Office of Comptroller of the Currency, Department of the Treasury, would not provide any explanation for the directive.

"The actions by this agency are confidential," said John Walsh, who clearly leveraged the death of his son, Adam, into a cushy government job. "And to answer your other questions: No, it is not a made up office; No, I am not also the 'Grand Poobah of Cash' or 'Head Muckity-muck of Fundage'."

H&R Block now has 103 days before April 15, 2011, the day they will filed for bankruptcy protection.