H&R Block Loses Exclusive Contract With Wal*Mart To Jackson Hewitt: "Hey, we still have Sears. There's still some of them open, right?"

H&R Block Loses Exclusive Contract With Wal*Mart To Jackson Hewitt: "Hey, we still have Sears. There's still some of them open, right?"

H&R Block, the tax preparation company who has taken it in the proverbial rear this tax season --after losing refund anticipation loans, their sole source of income-- they now find out that Jackson Hewitt will be the exclusive provider of tax services to Wal*Mart.

"Those Wal*Mart customers, they are our clients," said H&R Block CEO Alan Bennett, whose resume on The Ladders has received tens of views in the last six months. "The down-trodden are the people most likely to fall for one of our predatory-lending-rated Refund Anticipation Loans... if I didn't screw up and lose the financing for them."

"WHOOO HOOOO!" screamed Jackson Hewitt's new CEO Philip H. Sanford, who replaced former Jackson Hewitt (and former H&R Block) CEO Harry W. Buckley in January, during a teleconference with investors. "We have exclusive rights to Wal*Mart and we're the only refund anticipation loan game in town, and this is why I am currently doing the backstroke through a big f--king pile of money! YAYYYY!"

"While this is a significant setback," said Bennett, while packing all the sh-t in his office in banker's boxes, "Hey, we still have exclusive rights to sling taxes at Sears."

"There's still some of them open, right?"

H&R Block Sh-ts The Bed Early This Year With 'Emerald Advance', Now With 36% More Predatory Lending Fees!

H&R Block is not satisfied with merely waiting until January 2, 2011 to fail at tax season: This year it begins now, with H&R Block Emerald Advance.

"Emerald Advance is fun and easy," said a spokesman, who was difficult to hear, what with the angry mob of Block shareholders yelling 'Give us Barabbas'. "Plus, we get to sell you two overpriced, predatory loans in one year. Yay, overpriced, predatory loans."

"You could get up to $1,000 with the Emerald Advance line of credit," said Sabrina Wiewel, who will be blamed for Block's preordained failure, at the end of tax season. "Use it for emergencies, car repairs, bills and to pay off the refund anticipation loan we'll trick you into buying when we do your taxes! Lucky you!!"

"What they fail to tell you is that the Emerald Advance is a loan, borrowed against your anticipated tax refund. It's your f--king money," says Tom Bloch, son of Block co-founder R. "Run, do not walk, to your nearest local office supply store and buy Turbotax. It's much better."

"No, don't listen to him," said Bennett in reply. "Give us your money. Our tax returns may be less accurate, but they sure are more expensive! Wait, that's... that's not good, right?"

H&R Block stock prices were flat at $0.00000000024 in late trading today.

Blogs Filled With Stories Of 70%+ Credit Denial Rates For H&R Block Emerald Advance.

For three consecutive years, H&R Block has filled the destitute and credit-retarded that they will have a merry Christmas via their Emerald Advance loans, only to dash said hope with denials in the 70%-90% range.

Fortunately for some, the blogging universe is chock-a-block with said stories, warning many to stay away from this scammish credit product and its usury-level interest rate.

"Just a little FYI to let you know how bad it really is out there," said 'Anonymous Coward' on a holiday loans blog. "The lady that did our application said she was hating her job cause hardly anyone is getting approved and folks are getting PO'ed when they don't get their money."

"Why the hell would you get a loan from these a--holes to pay for Jesus's birthday," says 'BlockistheDevil'. "Do you really think Jesus would want you to do this?"

"We admit that we are having some problems getting people approved for Emerald Advance early this season," said H&R Block CEO Alan Bennett, who was filing his unemployment claim online while being interviewed. "But everyone who comes in is a f--king deadbeat."

"It is not like we are tricking people," he continued. "We simply promise them a loan for Christmas, get them to come in and 'Jump Start' their tax return, and then deny their loan application."

"Then, we hold their tax documents hostage so that they have to come back to us to get their return done. What could possibly be unethical about... Wait."

H&R Block Shares Plummet After One-Day Gain: The Dead Cat Has Bounced. And Landed Again.

For a (very) short while, following H&R Block's "Everything is rosy" quarterly earnings report last week, H&R Block's stock actually shot up near its 52-week high.
Thespoof Welcomes H&R Block Back To Our Family Of Advertisers!
Read more about their Emerald Advance in Emerald Advance For Christmas? Jesus Wants You To! and H&R Block Emerald Advance: Predatory? No. Delicious? Yes!
Reversal of fortune, or dead cat bounce? We pick the latter.

H&R Block (NASD HRB: 0.000000024) is frought with issues:

1. The tax return juggernaut prepared fewer returns last year, losing out on a fantastic opportunity to grab away early-season filers abandoned national competitors because their refund anticipation loan supplier bailed out, and Block still couldn't gain market share.

2. Block also continues to take it in the pooper --sideways-- from a mortgage business it entered with head-up-ass, and exited with tail between legs.

3. Block's in-house law firm, Swindle and Shyster, has been plenty busy defending lawsuits over various business practices some have called unsavory.

4. Oh, and Russ Smythe, the CEO brought in to turn the mess around in 2007 decided he'd had enough and got the f--k out of Dodge. And why would someone quit being the CEO of a multi-billion dollar international corporation to work at 'The Havi Group'? Because the multi-billion dollar international corporation is H&R F--king Block.

"I laugh at people who point to HRB's 1.22% growth in the past week as an indicator of a trend-reversal," said thespoof.com's Senior H&R Block analyst Anthony Rosania. "That same stock is down 15.89% since May, 2010, and over 40% year-to-date."

"$1000 invested in HRB stock on January 3, 2010 is now worth $592.62," he continued. "If you want to piss away $408 and have nothing to show for it, you should pay for my ex-wife's Nutri-System food for a month."

H&R Block Pulls Ads From MTV's Skins, Defamationstation.com.

Financially neutered tax preparation company H&R Block -- the company who has been sued by the Attorneys General of 41 states over various consumer protection issues-- has pulled their advertising from MTV's kiddie-porn show "Skins", just weeks after pulling advertising from the world's leading satire site, Defamationstation.com

"H&R Block has a moral obligation to not advertise our tax preparation and financial products on a show that shows teen boobies," said H&R Block CEO Alan Bennett.

'Skins, which is an adaptation of the British show "Steptoe and Son," is really a very simple and, in fact rather old-fashioned television series about intense teen issues, such a unrequited love, concerns about college admission, and being able to perform analingus while using i.v. drugs and taking the Lord's name in vain, just so the "cool kids" like you.

Block also pulled its advertising from Defamationstation.com, once executives typed "H&R Block" into the story search feature.

"We were very excited to see so many Defamationstation.com articles about us," said H&R Block Chief Marketing Manager Turtle Little-John. "Then we began reading them." *

Nevertheless, H&R Block's double-standards are not lost on everyone.

"H&R Block pulled their advertising? H&R Block?" asked MTV President Martha Quinn. "The company who f--ked up their own federal and state taxes four years in a row? They're taking the moral high road?"

"Look, I know that the next Wall Street Journal headline about me will read 'Former CEO To Receive Lump Sum Severance Payment After Disappointing Tax Season,'" Bennett continued. "But I have to demonstrate some evidence of an internal ethical barometer. I'll need a new job in May."

H&R Block: Like Demolishing a Building With A Big Stuffed Bunny.

H&R Block is in panic mode, entering what it calls First Peak --the flurry of business set in motion by the arrival of W-2s for those tax clients who usually plan to pay Febuary's child support with their tax refund-- without the ability to offer refund anticipation loans, a key component to getting lower-middle class asses in seats across from a tax professional.

In response, they've wasted tons of cash on a recently-launched marketing campaign, targeting taxpayers who will almost certainly use Jackson Hewitt or Liberty Tax that they can get their return done for free:
"Come into H&R Block, sit with one of our well-trained octogenarian tax professionals, get your simple tax return done, and don't pay us a cent. Plus, we have yummy coffee. And bathrooms. Crayons for the kiddies, and mostly free parking!!!"


The Devil is in the fine print, however:

"You qualify for the free return if your filing status is Single or Married Filing Jointly, you have no dependents/children, you don't itemize, you have no mortgage payment, you have taxable income of less than $40,000, you can identify the first assistant conductor of The State Symphony Orchestra of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, your last name contains an umlaut, your phone number ends with an even number, you have a ticket stub from the Bahawal Stadium, a cricket ground in Bahawalpur, Punjab, Pakistan, and you are older than your tax professional (HA!). If not, H&R Block's incredibly expensive schedule of standard rates apply."

Now, H&R Block has followed up their bullsh-t "Free 1040 Scam" with a television commercial that involves gritty, handicam-filed, gonzo-style imagery, a group of real people, and construction workers trying to knock down a building with a big, pink, fluffy stuffed bunny.

"This is what it's like to get your tax return done at H&R Block," the voice-over booms as the fluffy bunny smacks into the wall.

"That's what I feel like when I ask my Tax Professional for a price quote before sitting through an entire tax interview," says one onlooker.

(Bunny smacks against the wall.)

"I know. I called to ask about Refund anticipation loans, and my tax professional said that they are evil and will give me cancer," responds another.

(Bunny Smack.)

"Mine told me that getting my return done at Jackson Hewitt was a felony."

(Smack.)

H&R Block's 11,000 offices, most of them in gritty strip malls next to check cashing businesses and beer distributors, will be open until April 18th, when they will be shuttered and unused until the process begins anew in 2012, under the name "H&R Block: Powered By Turbotax".

H&R Block Sues HSBC: We Can't Overcharge Our Clients For RALs Without Their Help.

In an unprecedented move, HSBC Bank USA has decided to back out of providing funding for Refund Anticipation Loans (RAL) for the upcoming season, leaving perennial f---k-ups H&R Block with their proverbial d--ks in their hands.

"How the hell are we going to fleece our customers for ridiculously expensive refund loans if HSBC isn't going to fund them?" asked H&R Block, in court papers filed today. "I mean, we have our own bank and all, but we ain't loaning our money to these f--king deadbeats."

HSBC, who famously f--ked over Jackson Hewitt (JH) Tax Service by pulling out of their deal, has two novel legal theories upon which they hang their greedy, scummy, contract-breaking hat.

"They could say that H&R Block has materially breached the contract, making the entire contract unenforceable," said amazingly supergifted legal analyst Anthony Rosania."But that is why contracts are broken up into different sections. Even if one part is unenforceable, the rest of the contract remains intact.

"With so many states outlawing refund loans," Rosania continued."They can argue that the contract contrary to public policy, and therefore unenforceable."

"My gut feeling, however, is that HSBC has weighed the cost of litigating against Block, versus honoring the contract, and losing their shirts in bad debt," Rosania concluded.

Block filed a lawsuit recently that alleges HSBC has failed to honor its contract to back the loans, which expires next year. The suit says HSBC has not taken the necessary planning steps to ensure that H&R Block will be able to offer refund anticipation loans and refund anticipation checks during the 2011 tax season.

"Oh my God, we are f--ked," said CEU Du Jour Alan Bennett, while packing the contents of his office into boxes. "This'll never get litigated in time for tax season."

"On the other hand, it would give us the perfect outsider scapegoat for why we tanked this tax season," said Bennett, already resigned to the fact that tax season 2011 is a sh-tburger waiting to get grilled. "Usually, when we have a bad tax season we apologize to our stock holders, blame the field leadership for droppng the ball, and then give Sabrina Weiwel a new job title."

In the lawsuit, H&R Block said they fleece about 40 percent of its customers with a bank product during the 2010 tax season.

They also state that HSBC is trying to back out of funding its refund anticipation products because without help from the IRS, the bank fears it will lose money.

"No sh-t, Sherlock," responded HSBC. "That is what successful companies do, they avoid endeavors that will make them lose money. You f--kers ought to give that a try."

Block's other concern is the ability for RAL seeking clients who can't be helped by Block will simply walk down the street and get a RAL at Dave's Deli and Tax Preparation Service.

"Last year, Jackson Hewitt had almost no funding for their early season RAL clients, and those clients left JH in droves," said Bennett. "And just where did those clients who left Jackson Hewitt end up going?"

"No, seriously," concluded Bennett. "I'm asking you: Where did they go? They didn't come to Block, that's for damned sure."